Eat Crow

I remember a day in college when my self esteem was put into question. I was determined to fight the self defeating thoughts that could keep me in a dark depression. I knew I had been blessed, but I did not seem to possess the obvious talents that my sister and roommates did. I had not captured the eye of Mr. Right nor did I have a clear decision on my major.

I had one more class to complete before I could return to my apartment to ponder on my dilemma. I had been studying in the library. I was well aware of my surroundings. At the foot of the stairs, I could see that someone had plugged in the vacuum and would proceed to clean where some of the hotties would hang out. There was the campus God, Jeff Buehner.

I was wearing heels. My mind knew that now would be the time to make a decent impression on one particular gentleman. My thoughts were surveying the surroundings....vacuum cord, high heels, cute boy, possible trip on the cord..."This is easy just walk calmly and step over the cord gracefully." Just as I lifted my delicate foot, Mr. Vacuum pressed forward elevating the cord. My leg did not clear and grace did not eventuate.

I pulled myself together quickly. "It's okay. Maybe you can pretend you meant to do that??? Come on Bec...do not let it get you down...heck, you had the vacuum cord to do that."

French and Monsieur Slade was my next hurdle. Let's just say I was not a natural in Francais. It took a great deal of effort even for the basics. We were assigned to groups. Each group would organize a conversation to share with the class. In my group, I had one girl who was tearing up old checks and going through her purse. She clearly had no interest in contributing. The other was busy planning her wedding. I pretty much had to rely on my own skills. The frustration of the day began to take it's toll. I pretended politeness as I told the girls how our conversation would go down...and go down it did.

Desks were arranged in a circle with Monsieurr Slade at the head. These particular desks were the kind that had legs on the chair only. My group was the last to go. By now, classmates began to whisper. Monsieur Slade glanced our way and gave a nod. That was our signal to go. I produced my very best pretend French accent. I felt relieved to have this task behind me. Upon completion of our dialogue, Monsieur appeared to still be waiting. He asked if we were ready to proceed. The expression on my face spoke loud and clear..."Oh my gosh, we performed and no one heard a single word." Miss French Sassy pants was going to let them all know that they had missed out.  With a firmness, I leaned  forward in disgust. The words had barely left my mouth when I realized my desk was also in a forward motion. My hands were in my lap. There were no legs below the desk portion to balance my unsteadiness... There was nothing to brace my fall. One of the boys to the right could see that I was heading for disaster. All my papers spewed to the center of the circle just in time to catch everyone's attention. The gentleman reached for the back of my chair, in hopes of pulling me back to an upright position. Maybe it was the momentum of my _____attitude. Whatever the case, he had only enough strength to hold me suspended on the two front legs of the chair...nose one inch from the floor. I do not know how much time passed...it seemed like forever. I had a significant amount of time to hear the laughter of the class...ample amount of time to  feel the heat of my embarrassment and relive the awkwardness of previous events of the day and with time remaining to wonder how long before someone would pull me back to a normal position.

I have no recollection of anything after that moment until my walk home. I avoided the library for fear of future disasters. I kept my head down and avoided crowded walkways. The self talk in my head was now screaming. I began to question how I ever was accepted into college. I began to wonder if there was even a purpose for my being.

It was springtime. The air was full of life. Beautiful blossoms were on the trees. Birds were chirping incessantly. Yet my spirits refuse to acknowledge to breathe it in today. Instead, my focus had shifted to the crows who seemed to be following me home. It was a curious thing that these black crows would gather year after year by the number. I was intrigued by them. It seems as if they would find a new spot on campus until one day... they were just gone.

Today they were hovering in the trees by the ramp. It was a tad bit spooky as I had chosen to walk home alone. I had just entered the ramp leading down to Ben Dick Arms. Without further thought, I felt a big plop on my arm and then another. I had just been dumped on by the crows. That was enough to send me into a rampage. I verbalized..."Are you kidding me???...What else could go wrong?" "Plop" right ont the top of my head. In that moment, I learned to not ask what else could go wrong...because someone or something is just waiting to show you.

I fought tears when I entered my apartment. I was glad no one was home. I took to the bathroom to wipe off crow droppings when the phone rang. It was my dear sweet mother...a woman of class. I would reveal the details of my day in exchange for her pity and sympathy. I did not get it. Not form her. Not from the crows and not even from Monsieur Slade. She laughed and the smile in her voice put a glimpse of hope in my heart. My mother then said something to become profound in later years..."Maybe your purpose is to help others feel better about themselves." At the time, it was not funny. As life has unfolded and interesting things have happened, I have come to embrace my somewhat of a maybe potential purpose in life.

So that day, I ate CROW in hopes that one day I could bring laughter to another.